I will not be defined by a brain tumor.

Butterfly 2.5"x3.5" mini watercolor

Jimmy had his first day of going to "normal" school for math. He still goes to the school for the blind for everything else. He went to a first grade class with all the "normal" first grade kids at the "normal" school. He came home today and told me about it. He said they passed braille cards out to all the kids and the teacher asked him to tell about himself. He told about how he has a brain tumor and now he can't see out of one eye. (his vision is actually a lot worse than that, but he is convinced that he sees just fine out of his "good eye"). It really makes me angry that my six year old has to define his life as "I have a brain tumor". It makes me angry that I define so much of my life as "I have a son with a brain tumor". I must think of it at least 1,000 times a day. The fear is always there in the pit of my stomach, the pain of thinking that the tumor might be growing right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate looking a his poor scarred half-bald little head it always reminds me that he is not a "normal" kid. I am not going to let this tumor define me, or him anymore.

We are going to "Hair Club for Kids" to get him a hairpiece so he will not look so much like a brain tumor kid. I will treat him like a normal kid and I will try to think less about his brain tumor, at least until his next Dr. appointment.

Feeling Better

Cold Wind 2.5x3.5 mini watercolor

Well I am feeling lots better. I was put back on the antibiotics last week and I was felling somewhat better but I was still very tired and weak. I would get out of breath just walking up the stairs, was dizzy all the time, and taking 2 or 3 naps a day. Then I figured it out. I was anemic *Duh* I haven't really eaten much for 2 weeks and I am prone to being anemic so I should have recognized it. I am taking my iron supplements and now I am sooooo much better. hopefully it will stick and no one else will get sick.

My depresssion therapy

You are my Sunshine 2.5" x 3.5" miniature watercolor

Ok first of all the Doctor put me back on antibiotics and I am starting to feel human again for short spirts of time.

I wanted to share my favorite song with you, It is my depression therapy song. There are times I paly this everyday. It helps to put things into perspective for me. It is by David M. Bailey. He is pretty well known in th "brain tumor world" David is an 11-year survivor of a brain tumor that was predicted to kill him in 6 months. His website is www.davidmbailey.com

"One More Day"
www.davidmbailey.com/mp3/onemoreday.mp3


My boy's favorite David M. Bailey song "The Airport Song"
http://www.davidmbailey.com/mp3/airport%20song.mp3

Sick, Sick, Sick

We are all sick, It seems we have been that way since my sisters visit the week after Christmas. First we had the stomach flu, it went through the whole family, one at a time, some of us had it for only a couple of days, others it lasted for a week. My dad has been feeling really weak and tired ever since the flu. we finally got him to go to the doctor and they took two weeks to figure out he has pneumonia (he looks like he has lost 20 lbs). For the last couple of weeks my 13 year-old had not been feeling well. He had cough and sore throat that he decided to share it with me. What seemed to be a mild cold when he had it (he never even had a fever) totally wiped me out for four days. I was unable to eat and had a high fever, I did not even get out of bed to cook dinner. I was really sure it was strep throat. We went to the Doctor and got strep tests the doctor gave us 2 days of antibiotics until we could get the results of the tests. After being on the antibiotics for a couple of days we were starting to feel better. Then the doctors office called to say the test was negative, so no more antibiotics. So I was feeling well for the last couple of days when yesterday I started up with the sore throat again. I think I really do have strep throat and with the antibiotics gone it has come back, I guess we will give it a few days and see.

The reason to love last minute house guests

Miniature watercolor 3.5" x2.5"

Let me tell you about my sister, she is perfect. I don't mean that in some snide or sarcastic way, I honestly mean it. I really admire her. She is pretty, thin and blond, unbelievably nice, she lives in a fabulous home in the hills of southern California that she keeps immaculately clean, and she is very organized. Let's just say were are polar opposites. My home is never clean and I definitely not organized I have never been blond, although with all the grey hair I have been getting lately I tell people that I am going blond, and don't even get me started on the whole young and skinny thing.

A couple of days after Christmas my sister and her family were driving up to visit the relatives in Utah they always stay at our parents home, my brother and his new wife were staying there also. Unfortunately my poor brother chose that day to have the stomach flu. So about an hour before she arrived my sister called to ask if they could stay with us to avoid all the germs. I told her of course she could. Now this is the amazing part, I did not freak out. I did not run around frantically cleaning I did not stress out and have the boys drop everything to clean up, I did have them sweep the family room floor but that is about it. If I would have known she was coming weeks or days in advance, I would have been stressed out and I would have been busy cleaning everything (as if I needed more stress at Christmas.) The whole thing actually worked out very well, I avoided the stress that would have occurred if I would have had more notice but, with all the benefits of having my sister over. We saw more of my sister and her family than I would have otherwise, and the kids just loved having them stay here. I do regret that because of plans I made before I knew I was going to have house guests I never had time to really cook them a meal. I do hope she got over the shock at staying in my messy chaotic house.

Oh, and we all ended up getting the stomach flu anyway.

love ya Zelda!

Who do you look like?

My husband told me about this cool website that will tell you what celebrities you look like
http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php?collage=1 I did it and discovered that I don't know very many celebs. I only know who two of the celebritys that supposedly I look like are. I need to get out more.

my love hate relationship with Christmas

Andrew 12x16 Acrylic

I used to just LOVE Christmas! I loved everything about it, I started to play Christmas music in July! I could not wait to buy things for those I loved. Now, I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I was so depressed this Christmas, I suppose it is due to all the things that have happened in the last few years that I associate with Christmas time, two years ago it was my sons brain tumor, radiation therapy, and my father-in-laws death during Christmas dinner. Last year it was another major surgery on my sons head in December. This year it was the very worrisome results of my sons MRI on Dec. 19th.

This year my husband asked me if we could do Christmas dinner at our house instead of his mom's home. Two years ago I swore I would never do Christmas dinner again, not that I ever enjoyed doing it, It always makes Christmas so much more stressful, I'd be just as happy having peanut butter sandwiches and enjoying the time with my kids. I told him I didn't want to do it but, if it meant a lot to him (and I know it does) then I would do it, kind of my Christmas gift to him. I knew it was going to be hard but, I didn't know how hard it was going to be.

The weirdest thing happened to me, I am not the type of person who is prone to hysterics, I deplore drama, and I am not a terribly emotional person but when my guests started showing up I started crying. I'm still not sure why, perhaps lack of sleep, or embarrassment at my messy house, you know with 4 boys opening gifts and playing with toys all day, or the memories of the past few Christmases or the stress or all of it. I went and hid in my bedroom and sobbed uncontrollably for what seems like an hour, I just could not get control of myself. It was then that I realized I HATE CHRISTMAS! not because of Christmas but all the stress and terrible memories it brings. When I returned I hope no one noticed my red swollen eyes or my absence I hope they don't think I was rude for being disappearing for so long. I never explained, I just didn't know what to say.

Could be worse, Could be better

"Pink Tulip" -6x6 watercolor on clayboard

I waited, I worried, I stressed out, I couldn't sleep. It was 2 months of nerve-racking waiting to find out if Jimmy's Brain tumor is growing. Tuesday was MRI day and Wednesday we went to brain tumor clinic to find out if the 2 "spots" that showed up on his October MRI were tumor growth. Well the two spots were "stable" *WooHoo!* but they are still there. However, There is a new, large "area of concern" where there is a large amount of scar tissue that is changing in a way that scar tissue should not be changing. Jimmy's team of doctors are very concerned that it could turn into tumor *Ugh* So they Want to do another 3 months of WWW (Watch, Wait & Worry) before they do another MRI to see if things are growing or changing. I guess I had just better get used to this. I guess it could have been worse news, it also could have been better.

My Best Christmas Ever and My Worst Christmas Ever

Poinsettia 6x6" watercolor on clayboard

My WORST Christmas ever ... that is easy, 2 years ago Christmas 2005, My 4 year old son was battling brain cancer, gone blind and had just finished his radiation treatments 2 weeks before Christmas. I was determined to have a very happy Christmas anyway it was a wonderful day until dinner. During dinner my father-in-law said he was not feeling well and was going to leave, he then passed out and fell through a large window by our front door. Thankfully my husband was able to do CPR long enough to keep his dad alive until the ambulance arrived. My father-in-law died shortly after he reached the emergency room less then 10 minutes away. It turns out he had an abdominal aortic aneurism; It was not my cooking that did him in. I went to the emergency room to comfort my husband and found my dad in the ER in the room right next to my father-in-law, My dad had come to be with my husband while I was finding someone to watch my kids on Christmas night. He had not been feeling well so he did not come to dinner and was so sick with pneumonia when he got to the hospital the doctors insisted that he stay there.

My BEST Christmas ever was 2 years ago: Christmas 2005, we had found out my 4 year old son had a massive brain tumor in August. After the first attempt to remove the tumor we were told that the tumor could not be gotten out and there was nothing they could do for him. After a second surgery to remove the tumor we were told that he would be paralyzed on the right side. Three surgeries and 33 rounds of radiation later we had no more tumor and my child was not paralyzed, we had been so blessed. We were back home after practically living at the hospital for over 3 months. My parents were back after being gone for 6 months. We had very generous anonymous gifts left at our door including a Turkey with all the trimmings a few days earlier. I was so grateful for all the love and support of my friends, neighbors and family. Just as we were finishing dinner my father-in-law had an aneurism, thankfully the kids had just gone downstairs to play with their new toys and did not even know what had happened until later, I am grateful my father-in-law did not die far away, all alone in his home, and he did not die while driving; He died one of the few times a year when he could have been surrounded by his family. He died with his son by his side. My dad, who would never go to the hospital for himself went to the hospital to help comfort my husband until I could get there. Thankfully the doctors noticed he was so ill they were able to give him the treatment he otherwise would not have gotten. When I got home that evening I found that some neighbors had come over and done a very neat job of boarding up the window by my front door. They had given up their Christmas night to help without even being asked. It took me a few days to even find out who did it. I don't think I have ever felt so loved and blessed.

And so it happens that my best Christmas ever was also my worst Christmas, It is all in how you look at it."

The best things about Chicago

Alexander Calder's Flimingo

Sorry I haven't written for a while again, We went on a two week trip to Chicago, and I have been not feeling well. sometimes after I travel I have dizzy spells for weeks or even months afterward I have never been able to find out why.

My Hubby had a big RSNA (radiology) conference in Chicago for a week and we also spent many days visiting his family that live in the area (Thanks for the Thanksgiving Dinner, Uncle Butter & Aunt Margarine!). I was a good trip, his company paid for the hotel so all I had to pay to go along was my airfare.

There are some things I love about Chicago, I LOVE the Art Institute I spent two solid days there just looking around I could have spent more time there but I was limited to just 2 days *sigh*. Chicago is an art city they have lots of spectacular outdoor sculpture and fabulous architecture. My favorite is Alexander Calder's Flamingo sculpture. I love the way that the bright red color and the curves stand out in contrast to the dull grey-black boxes of the city. The food there is so good I even like the hot dogs at Portillos, the only hot dogs in the world I actually like. Pizzeria Due is delicious and cheesecake, need I say more!! yum

Doctors consider small changes to be stable

"Fighting " 12x16 painting by my blind 4 year old Jimmy

Jimmy is doing pretty good right now, We are just waiting for his next MRI the second week of December to see if whatever it is in his head is growing or not. If they grow then they are tumors if they don't grow then they are just scar tissue.

Doctors are interesting people, they consider a change of 20% or less to be "stable" so you could actually have a slow growing tumor be "stable" and think it is not growing when it is actually growing, just very slowly. That is why we always insist that the radiologist check his MRIs against several scans that we have done in the past, not just the most recent scans. Well it seems to be the same with Opthamologists. Jimmy went to Dr. Hoffman last week and we were told yet again that there was no change in his vision. When I asked specifically what his vision was he told us that he still can't see out of his right eye and his left eve is 20/125 with peripheral vision loss and limited color perception. his vision used to be 20/200 I asked him why he considered this no change. He said last time his vision was 20/150 and 20/125 is not really much different. Jimmy's vision has been slowly improving over the past 2 years but not enough to be considered a change when tested every 3 months. The good news is that his vision is slowly improving when we were told that it would probably never get any better. I'm rooting for those optic nerves to grow!

You can have anything you want

Sailing 5"X7" watercolor

My husband took me to San Francisco a couple of months ago to visit some of his relatives. While we were there some of his cousins took us sailing on the bay. It was the highlight of the trip! It was so relaxing. I really needed the break. While we were sailing I took t little picture of a sailboat. I painted it last night.

While we were in San Francisco my husband, took me into a jewelery store and said "what do you want? I'll buy you anything you want." (he was either feeling really rich or he knows me too well) I looked around for a few minutes and told him I did not want anything. It's not that I don't like jewelery, I love it! I just at that I really didn't want anything more. I have all the important stuff in life and I am quite content with what I have. Sometimes possessions can seem like a burden. The gift he gave me is: now I have a real cool story I can brag about to my friends about what a cool husband I have.

Now if he had offered me art supplies.....

Work in progress - kitchen tile mural

Here is the beginning sketch for a tile mural to go above a kitchen sink, The client I am doing this for wanted a window over her sink that she could look out of, since that was not possible I am doing a tile mural of a window for the backsplash above her kitchen sink. Her kitchen is all done in fall colors, so I have tried to incorporate them as much as possible. I added a little finch on the windowsill looking out just for interest. and the mountains are the ones she would have seen from the neighborhood she grew up in. this mural will be very large - 35 tiles! It will take a long time to paint because of its size and how many times I will have to fire it in the kiln. as a result this will be a long drawn out work in progress. but I'll post more images of this project as it comes along.

November

Autumn Reflections 3.5"x2.5" Card

I can't believe it is November already! This time of year always makes me feel so melancholy. Fall is kind of a sad season smoshed in there between my beloved summer and wonderful winter. The leaves are falling from the trees that always makes me think of endings and goodbyes, the birds have flown away, and it is beginning to feel a little chilly, I even have to start wearing shoes again. On the bright side Christmas is around the corner! I usually try to hold back on the Christmas music & decorations until after Thanksgiving but I think I'll give in to my Christmas lust and play a few carols today, and while I'm at it I'll wish for a little snow.

Whats good about having a sibling with cancer

"Fort San Juan" -5x7 watercolor

Ok, so I read my last post, how depressing! Now I'll list some of the lessons my children have learned as a result of their brother having a brain tumor.

Compassion: my children have learned to be more compassionate since this all began. My sons all shaved their heads when Jimmy had to have his head shaved before surgery. My Oldest boy (then 14) has become a friend and comfort for three kids at his school whose parents were battling and loosing to cancer.

Giving: My sons have all seen how generous people have been to them with gifts and acts of service and it has made them want to help others in similar ways. They know how very much the generosity of others has helped them and they want to do the same for those who may be in need. They are more aware of the suffering of others and they want to do something about it.

Gratitude: they have learned to be grateful for the little things in life, instead of being jealous of Jimmy's new Game boy DS, his brothers are talking about how glad they are he has it and how cool it will be when they have enough money saved up so they have one and can play against each other.

Tolerance: My boys have seen their little brother unable to walk or talk after surgeries. They have seen him half bald from radiation with ugly scars and radiation burns criss-crossing his head. They have seen him having to wear a helmet all the time because half his skull was missing. They have helped him up after he fell down stairs because he could not see. I know my boys would never make fun of someone because of their appearance or disability.

I truly do think that the experiences that my sons have had with their brothers brain tumor has made them better people.