detail from "Angry Jimmy"I was in the grocery store, when it happened. I was attacked by FEAR. I felt like I stopped breathing, thought I was going to throw up or pass out.
I had looked over at the little display of Hot Wheels cars and thought I should buy one for Jimmy. I would like to have a little prize to give him when he gets an I. V. for his MRI tomorrow. Then I thought about what I have been avoiding thinking about for months: what the results of his MRI will be: We have been watching 2 spots that first showed up on his MRI 5 months ago and another area that is "very concerning" that showed up on his last MRI 3 months ago. I am not feeling very good about this MRI tomorrow I keep thinking that these two things are tumors or at least one of them is, It just does not seem probable that it could be anything else.
I thought about: how I will tell him he has a brain tumor again ?, or will I try to hide it from him when he wakes up and my heart is breaking, just thinking of it now makes me feel ill. The surprising thing is I have not been obsessing or worried about this for the last 5 months since we got the first bad MRI. I guess I have learned not to worry and I have been blessed with peace, but it wasn't worry that made me feel feel so awful in the grocery store today, it was fear. I don't want to face tomorrow, but I also am looking forward to it, depending upon if I am feeling hopeful or afraid. I guess knowing is better than not knowing.
I bought Jimmy a hot wheels car to give him tomorrow and went home to give him an extra hug and kiss.
1 comment:
I was so happy to get a call from Mom yesterday telling me that Jimmy was ok. I didn't know that he had an MRI yesterday -- Mom had told me that it was in April. What a relief for you. Now you can breathe!!
Love you!!!
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