I will not be defined by a brain tumor.

Butterfly 2.5"x3.5" mini watercolor

Jimmy had his first day of going to "normal" school for math. He still goes to the school for the blind for everything else. He went to a first grade class with all the "normal" first grade kids at the "normal" school. He came home today and told me about it. He said they passed braille cards out to all the kids and the teacher asked him to tell about himself. He told about how he has a brain tumor and now he can't see out of one eye. (his vision is actually a lot worse than that, but he is convinced that he sees just fine out of his "good eye"). It really makes me angry that my six year old has to define his life as "I have a brain tumor". It makes me angry that I define so much of my life as "I have a son with a brain tumor". I must think of it at least 1,000 times a day. The fear is always there in the pit of my stomach, the pain of thinking that the tumor might be growing right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate looking a his poor scarred half-bald little head it always reminds me that he is not a "normal" kid. I am not going to let this tumor define me, or him anymore.

We are going to "Hair Club for Kids" to get him a hairpiece so he will not look so much like a brain tumor kid. I will treat him like a normal kid and I will try to think less about his brain tumor, at least until his next Dr. appointment.

Feeling Better

Cold Wind 2.5x3.5 mini watercolor

Well I am feeling lots better. I was put back on the antibiotics last week and I was felling somewhat better but I was still very tired and weak. I would get out of breath just walking up the stairs, was dizzy all the time, and taking 2 or 3 naps a day. Then I figured it out. I was anemic *Duh* I haven't really eaten much for 2 weeks and I am prone to being anemic so I should have recognized it. I am taking my iron supplements and now I am sooooo much better. hopefully it will stick and no one else will get sick.

My depresssion therapy

You are my Sunshine 2.5" x 3.5" miniature watercolor

Ok first of all the Doctor put me back on antibiotics and I am starting to feel human again for short spirts of time.

I wanted to share my favorite song with you, It is my depression therapy song. There are times I paly this everyday. It helps to put things into perspective for me. It is by David M. Bailey. He is pretty well known in th "brain tumor world" David is an 11-year survivor of a brain tumor that was predicted to kill him in 6 months. His website is www.davidmbailey.com

"One More Day"
www.davidmbailey.com/mp3/onemoreday.mp3


My boy's favorite David M. Bailey song "The Airport Song"
http://www.davidmbailey.com/mp3/airport%20song.mp3

Sick, Sick, Sick

We are all sick, It seems we have been that way since my sisters visit the week after Christmas. First we had the stomach flu, it went through the whole family, one at a time, some of us had it for only a couple of days, others it lasted for a week. My dad has been feeling really weak and tired ever since the flu. we finally got him to go to the doctor and they took two weeks to figure out he has pneumonia (he looks like he has lost 20 lbs). For the last couple of weeks my 13 year-old had not been feeling well. He had cough and sore throat that he decided to share it with me. What seemed to be a mild cold when he had it (he never even had a fever) totally wiped me out for four days. I was unable to eat and had a high fever, I did not even get out of bed to cook dinner. I was really sure it was strep throat. We went to the Doctor and got strep tests the doctor gave us 2 days of antibiotics until we could get the results of the tests. After being on the antibiotics for a couple of days we were starting to feel better. Then the doctors office called to say the test was negative, so no more antibiotics. So I was feeling well for the last couple of days when yesterday I started up with the sore throat again. I think I really do have strep throat and with the antibiotics gone it has come back, I guess we will give it a few days and see.

The reason to love last minute house guests

Miniature watercolor 3.5" x2.5"

Let me tell you about my sister, she is perfect. I don't mean that in some snide or sarcastic way, I honestly mean it. I really admire her. She is pretty, thin and blond, unbelievably nice, she lives in a fabulous home in the hills of southern California that she keeps immaculately clean, and she is very organized. Let's just say were are polar opposites. My home is never clean and I definitely not organized I have never been blond, although with all the grey hair I have been getting lately I tell people that I am going blond, and don't even get me started on the whole young and skinny thing.

A couple of days after Christmas my sister and her family were driving up to visit the relatives in Utah they always stay at our parents home, my brother and his new wife were staying there also. Unfortunately my poor brother chose that day to have the stomach flu. So about an hour before she arrived my sister called to ask if they could stay with us to avoid all the germs. I told her of course she could. Now this is the amazing part, I did not freak out. I did not run around frantically cleaning I did not stress out and have the boys drop everything to clean up, I did have them sweep the family room floor but that is about it. If I would have known she was coming weeks or days in advance, I would have been stressed out and I would have been busy cleaning everything (as if I needed more stress at Christmas.) The whole thing actually worked out very well, I avoided the stress that would have occurred if I would have had more notice but, with all the benefits of having my sister over. We saw more of my sister and her family than I would have otherwise, and the kids just loved having them stay here. I do regret that because of plans I made before I knew I was going to have house guests I never had time to really cook them a meal. I do hope she got over the shock at staying in my messy chaotic house.

Oh, and we all ended up getting the stomach flu anyway.

love ya Zelda!

Who do you look like?

My husband told me about this cool website that will tell you what celebrities you look like
http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/tryFaceRecognition.php?collage=1 I did it and discovered that I don't know very many celebs. I only know who two of the celebritys that supposedly I look like are. I need to get out more.

my love hate relationship with Christmas

Andrew 12x16 Acrylic

I used to just LOVE Christmas! I loved everything about it, I started to play Christmas music in July! I could not wait to buy things for those I loved. Now, I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I was so depressed this Christmas, I suppose it is due to all the things that have happened in the last few years that I associate with Christmas time, two years ago it was my sons brain tumor, radiation therapy, and my father-in-laws death during Christmas dinner. Last year it was another major surgery on my sons head in December. This year it was the very worrisome results of my sons MRI on Dec. 19th.

This year my husband asked me if we could do Christmas dinner at our house instead of his mom's home. Two years ago I swore I would never do Christmas dinner again, not that I ever enjoyed doing it, It always makes Christmas so much more stressful, I'd be just as happy having peanut butter sandwiches and enjoying the time with my kids. I told him I didn't want to do it but, if it meant a lot to him (and I know it does) then I would do it, kind of my Christmas gift to him. I knew it was going to be hard but, I didn't know how hard it was going to be.

The weirdest thing happened to me, I am not the type of person who is prone to hysterics, I deplore drama, and I am not a terribly emotional person but when my guests started showing up I started crying. I'm still not sure why, perhaps lack of sleep, or embarrassment at my messy house, you know with 4 boys opening gifts and playing with toys all day, or the memories of the past few Christmases or the stress or all of it. I went and hid in my bedroom and sobbed uncontrollably for what seems like an hour, I just could not get control of myself. It was then that I realized I HATE CHRISTMAS! not because of Christmas but all the stress and terrible memories it brings. When I returned I hope no one noticed my red swollen eyes or my absence I hope they don't think I was rude for being disappearing for so long. I never explained, I just didn't know what to say.